Pet Loss and How to Cope
Saying goodbye to our senior dog
For those of you who have experienced pet loss, it can be a devastating experience. We made the decision to let our Duke go, after an aggressive tumor was causing seizures and illness in his body. While mentally we know this was the right choice, it doesn't make his absence hurt any less. This is the start of our grief journey for Duke. I'm sharing my experience and what's been helping me in case you are experiencing pet loss, too.
As the week has carried on and we try to adjust to living without him, there have been so many emotions and ups and downs that I wanted to share because I feel that sometimes, pet loss isn't considered "real" loss because they are "just a dog."
First and foremost, pet loss is real loss
We've grown accustomed to Duke in our life every single day. He was our barking alarm when Amazon arrived and always worked better than any door camera ever could. His loving licks when we'd walk in the door and his offering of a toy when we'd sit on the couch after a long day will forever be missed. We are grieving his presence and all the little moments of our life that were made better because he was there.
I never thought loading a dishwasher would cause a breakdown, but the first time I did it without Duke broke my heart. You see, he was my pre-wash for the dirty dishes. He'd use his long tongue to "rinse off" any extra crumbs that remained on our plates before starting the load. My little buddy hung out with me while cleaning the kitchen, making my least favorite chore bearable because I wasn't doing it alone.
And that's a dog's magic, right? The way they become so much a part of your life that you are never alone and always around someone who loves you no matter what. This is why losing them hurts so deep, feels like a piece of our body is missing, and leaves a gaping hole in our chests. Our family is somehow different and we all mourn him in our own ways.
For me, I've been in a fog
One minute I'm fine and then something reminds me he's no longer here and my emotions spiral into sadness. We've gone through pet loss before, just two years ago with our Nala. I thought I'd be better prepared this time, but FUCK I'm not. Oh yeah, that's the anger boiling through to my words ready to slice and dice because I am on edge. I share these things with you because I know I am not alone in my feelings. If you've lost your beloved dog, you know what I mean.
Guilt has shown up as a pesky interrogator questioning our decisions and making us ponder if we could have done more to prevent his tumor from the start. Did we not take him the vet frequently enough? Were there signs that we should've noticed? "Good dog parents should have known" is Guilt’s favorite phrase on repeat in my mind. Did we fail him? Did we let him linger too long? These questions haunt me and literally have been keeping me up at night. Sleep does not come easy these days.
All this to say that I've been working on trying to cope. This is just the beginning of our grief process and if he's anything like Nala, I know we will be mourning him for the rest of our lives. It means that we can find ways to continue to be happy and appreciate the loss at the same time.
Here's what's been helping so far:
Crying.
Yup...I'll be the first to say I do not enjoy crying, my puffy eyes or swollen face, but I've given myself space to just let it happen. Crying is actually a way our bodies naturally release stress and my body has soooo much to release right now.
A support system.
I am fortunate that my husband cares about our animals as much as I do. We've held each other through our pain and knowing I'm not alone helps me immensely. My friends, family, and I'll even say the dog loving community on social media who have heard of our loss have reached out to check-in, let us know they care, and send their love. I cannot thank everyone enough for letting us know their hearts break with ours.
Movement.
I'm not going to lie. I've had zero motivation to workout or engage in activities that I enjoy. I just want to sit on the couch and do nothing. I've felt disengaged in what's going on around me as the fog sets in. But then, another lick on my hand and a paw on my leg reminds me the rest of my pack needs me. They need me to be ok. And with that, we put on our tennis shoes today and just walked with our three remaining dogs. It was quiet, peaceful, and I had the sense that although Duke wasn't with us physically, he was there with us in spirit. Man, he loved going on walks with us with his short little legs and long body that trotted like he owned the world. You would've loved our walk today, Dukie!
Talking about how I'm feeling.
While it's not always easy to tell people it hurts, I'm not responding with society's expected response of "I'm great!" when someone asks how I am doing. Actually, I feel like shit and we are grieving the loss of our dog, Duke. He was a precious soul and a feisty lil man that helped us raise our children. I'm managing this difficult time and feeling grateful that we got to call him ours. Writing my thoughts down, such as what you are reading now, is helping me express my feelings and sort through what we are experiencing.
Remembering him.
As hard as it was to go through my digital library of images, looking at them and creating a slideshow helps me remember just how special he was to our family. Our kids were so young when he first came into our lives and knowing he got to help support their growth into adults makes my heart happy. He was our adventure dog and joined us on so many camping trips that we will never forget.
I can't say that these are the magic keys to coping for everyone, but it's what is helping me so far. I know we've got a long road ahead to learn to live without Duke, but I know he always wanted us to be happy. So I'm going to try to cope the best that I can and share what's going on because no one should feel alone in their grief. I'm going to have great days and days that punch me in the gut and I understand this is grief. Pet loss is hard, is real, and, like anything takes time. One. Day. At. A. Time.
If pet loss is something you are currently experiencing, I am sending you my hugs and love because your loss is great. You are not alone. If you'd like some more tips, check out this article from PsychCentral.
Do you have any tips that helped you cope with pet loss? I'd love to hear them below.
